If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the day after is always just damage control
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
