My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize