shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
And then he peed in my hair
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