She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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