i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize