1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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