I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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