It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
