If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
