I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
