He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
