a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
