If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
