is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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