I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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