If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
