He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
