i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
