i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
