apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
