Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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