I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
