There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
