he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
