My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
