Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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