The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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