guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
