the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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