apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
