Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
