frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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