i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
