My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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