Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
