OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
