I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
