It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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