i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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