I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
