if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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