No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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