worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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