420 ftw
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
