fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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