this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
