Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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