I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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