I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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