i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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