Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Found the puke drawer
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize