No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
