she looked like the bat from fern gully.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize