You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the condom got lost in my hair
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
